Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Partnership for a Drug Free America
Mmm, weed.
I mean, eggs! I love eggs.
Eggs that get me high.
Big up to youtube for telling me I don't have a Blogger account! Thanks ladies.
Monday, January 22, 2007
The Aristocrats
I just watched the documentary on the joke The Aristocrats (www.thearistocrats.com if you haven't heard of it). I've always thought this was the funniest joke I've ever heard with possibly the worst punchline ever.
I'm going to go ahead and bastardize it by retelling it.
Warning: This is so. fucked. up.
So, this young family - Dad, Mom, their daughter, their son, and the dog - barges into a talent agent's office and tells him they're his dream come true; they're going to make him rich. The talent agent says, "I can't even sign you people. Nobody wants to see a family act in this day and age."
But the family is persistant.
"Just let us show you our act one time, we promise you'll be so impressed you'll sign us on the spot."
The talent agent tells them they have five minutes.
Immediately, everybody gets buck naked.
The dad punches the mom right in the face as hard as he can and the son starts having sex with her unconscious body. The dad bends the daughter over the desk and starts fucking her ass as hard as he can. The dog starts barking furiously then, shaking, pees all over the unconscious mom's face.
The stream of hot doggy piss startles the mom back to consciousness and she starts moaning uncontrollably as the son rails her old cunt with his herpes-infested, crooked penis. The son starts biting her nipples until they start to bleed. The dad stops fucking his daughter's ass and she runs over and takes a huge dump on the mom's face. The mom, covered in dog piss and daughter shit, pushes the son off of her and rolls over to the dog. She begins to fellate it as the husband takes up position and starts fucking the dog's asshole.
The daughter starts eating out the son's asshole while she gives him a reacharound. The son is leaning over the desk and winking at the talent agent.
The dog starts throwing up from the force of having a human penis jammed into it over and over again, and the projectile vomiting hits the daughter, son, and agent. The mom, ceasing the canine fellatio, starts cutting her wrists with an ink pen and screaming about her dead father. Blood, needless to say, gets everywhere. The father pulls out of the dog and lays a five-roper down on the dog's back, as well as elsewhere.
The entire family collapses in the pile of blood, shit, piss, and cum that's collected in the middle of the floor and everybody just starts sucking and fucking each other. The dad's blowing the son, the daughter's going down on the mom, the mom's shoving a big black dildo in the dad's ass, and the dog is licking the daughter's asshole.
The mom, apparently a squirter, blasts a load of poon juice all over the daughter's face and dog's back at the exact same time the son comes all over the dad.
Everybody collapses on the floor for about ten seconds in the pile of cum, shit, piss and blood, and then suddenly they all jump up and take a synchronized bow.
The talent agent, when he regains his ability to speak and move, wipes some fluid detritus off his suit and asks the only question that comes to mind.
"Well...what do you call yourselves?"
And the dad steps forward and proudly proclaims, "The Aristocrats!"
I feel dirty.
I'm going to go ahead and bastardize it by retelling it.
Warning: This is so. fucked. up.
So, this young family - Dad, Mom, their daughter, their son, and the dog - barges into a talent agent's office and tells him they're his dream come true; they're going to make him rich. The talent agent says, "I can't even sign you people. Nobody wants to see a family act in this day and age."
But the family is persistant.
"Just let us show you our act one time, we promise you'll be so impressed you'll sign us on the spot."
The talent agent tells them they have five minutes.
Immediately, everybody gets buck naked.
The dad punches the mom right in the face as hard as he can and the son starts having sex with her unconscious body. The dad bends the daughter over the desk and starts fucking her ass as hard as he can. The dog starts barking furiously then, shaking, pees all over the unconscious mom's face.
The stream of hot doggy piss startles the mom back to consciousness and she starts moaning uncontrollably as the son rails her old cunt with his herpes-infested, crooked penis. The son starts biting her nipples until they start to bleed. The dad stops fucking his daughter's ass and she runs over and takes a huge dump on the mom's face. The mom, covered in dog piss and daughter shit, pushes the son off of her and rolls over to the dog. She begins to fellate it as the husband takes up position and starts fucking the dog's asshole.
The daughter starts eating out the son's asshole while she gives him a reacharound. The son is leaning over the desk and winking at the talent agent.
The dog starts throwing up from the force of having a human penis jammed into it over and over again, and the projectile vomiting hits the daughter, son, and agent. The mom, ceasing the canine fellatio, starts cutting her wrists with an ink pen and screaming about her dead father. Blood, needless to say, gets everywhere. The father pulls out of the dog and lays a five-roper down on the dog's back, as well as elsewhere.
The entire family collapses in the pile of blood, shit, piss, and cum that's collected in the middle of the floor and everybody just starts sucking and fucking each other. The dad's blowing the son, the daughter's going down on the mom, the mom's shoving a big black dildo in the dad's ass, and the dog is licking the daughter's asshole.
The mom, apparently a squirter, blasts a load of poon juice all over the daughter's face and dog's back at the exact same time the son comes all over the dad.
Everybody collapses on the floor for about ten seconds in the pile of cum, shit, piss and blood, and then suddenly they all jump up and take a synchronized bow.
The talent agent, when he regains his ability to speak and move, wipes some fluid detritus off his suit and asks the only question that comes to mind.
"Well...what do you call yourselves?"
And the dad steps forward and proudly proclaims, "The Aristocrats!"
I feel dirty.
What?
Why on God's green earth would bike cops - as in bicycle cops - need guns?
I see them riding all over campus, on their way to some important peace functions like giving tickets to kids for not having the necessary number of reflectors, and they have their guns hiked up extra high on their fat bellies.
When is a cop on a bike on a college campus (no less) ever going to use a gun? Campus PD shouldn't even have guns at all, unless they're going to start shooting frat boys, which I doubt is going to happen. But the bike cops - are they going to chase down a perp on their Schwinns and fire fifteen rounds into his back or what?
Just another totally unnecessary abuse of the second amendment.
"Do you smell bacon, Garth?"
"I definitely smell a pork product of some kind."
I see them riding all over campus, on their way to some important peace functions like giving tickets to kids for not having the necessary number of reflectors, and they have their guns hiked up extra high on their fat bellies.
When is a cop on a bike on a college campus (no less) ever going to use a gun? Campus PD shouldn't even have guns at all, unless they're going to start shooting frat boys, which I doubt is going to happen. But the bike cops - are they going to chase down a perp on their Schwinns and fire fifteen rounds into his back or what?
Just another totally unnecessary abuse of the second amendment.
"Do you smell bacon, Garth?"
"I definitely smell a pork product of some kind."
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Fat people
This is going to be a recurring theme. I can't go more than 15 minutes without thinking about how much I hate fat people. I hate fat people almost as much as I hate the people who think it's okay to be fat. The reasons for this are numerous and reasonable; I will expound upon them - at length - at a later date.
For now, I just want to say that if you are a stand up comedian on Comedy Central, and you've got your own half hour special:
-Come up with some jokes that don't involve talking about how fat you are.
-Don't have them shoot the ENTIRE FUCKING THING in soft focus. Are you Barbara Walters? No? Then try working out occasionally, maybe those self-esteem issues will go the way of your turkey neck fat.
Edit: Brevity apparently translates to hating, upon re-reading of the first paragraph of this post. When I talk about hating fat people, I mean the truly obese motherfuckers; the unhealthy assholes that are placing a super unnecessary burden on our health care system, not to mention our chairs.
Having a few extra rolls is cool. Not everyone can be Brangelina, or should be. Every human body is awkward...a few extra curves are likely to add a little character more than anything else. But being so fat you need to have a hole cut in the side of your house so they can take you to the hospital to die is just fucking disgusting. It's not something you can blame on genetics. These people are awful wastes of carbon. Euthanasia comes to mind.
For now, I just want to say that if you are a stand up comedian on Comedy Central, and you've got your own half hour special:
-Come up with some jokes that don't involve talking about how fat you are.
-Don't have them shoot the ENTIRE FUCKING THING in soft focus. Are you Barbara Walters? No? Then try working out occasionally, maybe those self-esteem issues will go the way of your turkey neck fat.
Edit: Brevity apparently translates to hating, upon re-reading of the first paragraph of this post. When I talk about hating fat people, I mean the truly obese motherfuckers; the unhealthy assholes that are placing a super unnecessary burden on our health care system, not to mention our chairs.
Having a few extra rolls is cool. Not everyone can be Brangelina, or should be. Every human body is awkward...a few extra curves are likely to add a little character more than anything else. But being so fat you need to have a hole cut in the side of your house so they can take you to the hospital to die is just fucking disgusting. It's not something you can blame on genetics. These people are awful wastes of carbon. Euthanasia comes to mind.
An Open Letter; Number One
An Open Letter to Everyone on the 9 Bus Last Friday:
What is wrong with you people?
Fat kid: I'm sitting on an empty bus, reading Banner of Heaven, listening to Generic Pop Band. EMPTY. BUS. And you come sit down right next to me? Fuck you. Are you fucking kidding? You smell like a shit burrito because you apparently don't know what deodorant is, and you're the size of two bus seats. Sit on the other side of the bus from me. I hope you get diabetes.
Bus driver: So the bus is full. That's really nice for you. It's a new bus, with a nice loudspeaker system. That does not imply that you must use the loudspeaker literally the entire time I'm on the bus. I hate you. I don't want to listen to you hit on Sheree who waved at you from the back of the bus (insert racist Rosa Parks joke here). Just fuck my mouth, I'll hate it less. You sound like a black Tom Waits. It bears repeating that I hate you.
The attractive girls who weren't there: Where were you? I had to stare at a fat girl's tits the whole ride because that was the best thing around. Needs me some eye candy, ladies. I might not fuck you but what am I supposed to do without some spank bank material? Talk to you? Fat tittied chance.
Most annoying bus ride ever. Fuck you people.
Love
Me
What is wrong with you people?
Fat kid: I'm sitting on an empty bus, reading Banner of Heaven, listening to Generic Pop Band. EMPTY. BUS. And you come sit down right next to me? Fuck you. Are you fucking kidding? You smell like a shit burrito because you apparently don't know what deodorant is, and you're the size of two bus seats. Sit on the other side of the bus from me. I hope you get diabetes.
Bus driver: So the bus is full. That's really nice for you. It's a new bus, with a nice loudspeaker system. That does not imply that you must use the loudspeaker literally the entire time I'm on the bus. I hate you. I don't want to listen to you hit on Sheree who waved at you from the back of the bus (insert racist Rosa Parks joke here). Just fuck my mouth, I'll hate it less. You sound like a black Tom Waits. It bears repeating that I hate you.
The attractive girls who weren't there: Where were you? I had to stare at a fat girl's tits the whole ride because that was the best thing around. Needs me some eye candy, ladies. I might not fuck you but what am I supposed to do without some spank bank material? Talk to you? Fat tittied chance.
Most annoying bus ride ever. Fuck you people.
Love
Me
Blog is the new gay
So many things to say, so many salient arguments to bring up regarding the entire spectrum of human experience; from global politics to the little microcosms that are our personal universes.
But I'm drunk, so suffice it to say I'm watching 13 Going On 30 and masturbating.
Furiously.
But I'm drunk, so suffice it to say I'm watching 13 Going On 30 and masturbating.
Furiously.
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